I am often asked: What does one do when your child is having an emotional escalation?
It’s such a hard question to answer because each child is different, especially children and teens with neurodevelopmental disabilities. I first “Th!nk Brain” and remember that each brain works differently, it’s not a behavior issue. What I am seeing and experiencing is my child’s neurodevelopmental disability in action.
I remind myself to use something I call the 5 C’s:
1. Stay Calm- This is THE HARDEST thing to do. When my child is turning over furniture, slamming doors, screaming, hitting, biting, throwing things, and everything in between, my nervous system becomes triggered. I have to fight a reactive approach to discipline like the kind I received as a child. But that is a “traditional parenting” style and a belief system counterproductive to helping my child. A triggered adult can never calm a triggered child. Never. I keep calm by not taking her words personally, breathing slowly, remaining watchful, and reminding myself of the brain’s response. I keep my actions slow and my voice soft. In the middle of an emotional episode, what she is saying is not reality, but her feelings in the moment. Her brain and nervous system are working on overdrive and she is in self-protection mode. Remaining calm is key to the next step.
2. Remain Connected- What do I mean? My child may initially resist me, but I offer her a sense of calm and safety. With my arms open wide, I ask, "Do you want me to hold you?" I may stay there until she is ready to come to me. I stay in her presence, sitting silently or following behind to ensure safety. I may be deflecting items thrown at me and keeping them out of sight after each throw. But I am present, and my presence offers connection so when she can emotionally connect, I am available.
3. Consider the Circumstances - While I am in the moment, I ask myself about the why behind the behavior, and I observe. I observe without interpreting or assuming. What triggered this rage? Tiredness? Nutrition? Transition? Did something not go according to what she had planned? Did my words or actions create something that triggered her? If I can identify the why, then I ask myself, “What do I need to do to help her through this moment?” Punishment is never an option. When a child is purely emotional there is no rationale or understanding. Their brain and bodies are in fight or flight mode to protect themselves. Punishment most often will escalate the situation and break trust in our parent-child relationship.
4. Co-Regulate –This term is frequently stated in parenting circles, but do we understand what it means? The dictionary version is "warm and responsive interactions that provide the support, coaching, and modeling children need to understand, express, and modulate their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.” Notice it doesn't say modify the behavior or punish. Modeling regulation for our child to see and feel safe in a regulated nervous system is so important at this point.
5. Open the Communication – Listening to my child, once she is calm, is critical for her. I may already know why she may have been screaming for the last hour, but I listen. I listen with an open mind because, during her rage or meltdown, there is no reasoning with her. I let her know it's okay to have big feelings, and I am here to help her through them. A parent’s understanding of behaviors and feelings helps children feel heard and understood in a world they so often feel invisible.
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